Discussion on Alan's News!

Writer: Alan (karikan Kytori)

Reviewer: Jason (Jackowacko Juliesse)
Editor: Dana (Nada Copperfield)
Organizer: Olivia (Cloud Clarity)

***This discussion is also posted on Alan's blog as feedback.

P.S. Due to the fact that we discussed all 4 stories till 8 p.m. on Wednesday, we had another edition on Alan’s story again on Friday morning. I conclude what we find out this morning in the following suggestion. (In fact, we really do think Alan’s story is too good to revise. But later we find this morning that there are still some problems. Perhaps we all get tired o Wednesday after staying in SL for 6 hours…lol)

Report of Discussion:

The writer’s story is about a working place in Nipponbashi in SL. People who work here are like animals in the farms pushing against that wheel to grind. The author thinks that people circling around the huge log again and again is like an endlessly routine life which many fear in real life. We think that the author has an interesting relation to a routine life in RL. Yet, perhaps the author should make the relation much clearer. He could elaborate on the second paragraph to foreshadow that the routine work in Nipponbashi in SL is like the routine life in RL. What’s more, it’s interesting that people in SL rush here to get a routine work while most people hate this kind of work in RL. Perhaps the author should also work on the third paragraph to dwell on the point he is trying to make. Lastly, perhaps Alan could introduce the job first in the first paragraph instead of the second in order to make a transition.

Here is a little grammatical problem:
There might be quite a lot places to make money, and I happen to come to an interesting place where one could obtain some free Lindens through one’s own labor.
>>>

There might be quite a lot places to make money; and I happen to come to an interesting place where one could obtain some free Lindens through one’s own labor.

Chat Transcripts of SL Discussion:

[2009/04/15 3:57] karikan Kytori: so u all select ur roles already?
[2009/04/15 3:57] karikan Kytori: then i'm going to start
[2009/04/15 3:57] Jackowacko Juliesse: viewer
[2009/04/15 3:57] Jackowacko Juliesse: i am so tired
[2009/04/15 3:57] karikan Kytori: http://britbiscuits.blogspot.com/
[2009/04/15 3:58] karikan Kytori: my story is about this place where u could earn money
[2009/04/15 3:58] karikan Kytori: as u just see
[2009/04/15 3:58] karikan Kytori: it's not quick money, but many people still come here
[2009/04/15 3:59] karikan Kytori: in my 1st para, i wrote about manu people would like to know how to earn money
[2009/04/15 3:59] karikan Kytori: then i introduce this place
[2009/04/15 3:59] karikan Kytori: and how to earn Lindens
[2009/04/15 3:59] karikan Kytori: just push against that wheel
[2009/04/15 4:00] karikan Kytori: then i talked about why i feel interested in this place
[2009/04/15 4:00] karikan Kytori: coz the camping makes people look like animals
[2009/04/15 4:00] karikan Kytori: cattles or horses in the farm'
[2009/04/15 4:01] karikan Kytori: at last i wrote about my own reflection about this palce and the job
[2009/04/15 4:01] karikan Kytori: it's like an endlessly routine life
[2009/04/15 4:01] karikan Kytori: and that's what many people fear in real life
[2009/04/15 4:01] karikan Kytori: that's it
[2009/04/15 4:02] Cloud Clarity: k wait
[2009/04/15 4:03] Cloud Clarity: so gooooooooood
[2009/04/15 4:03] Cloud Clarity: hahah
[2009/04/15 4:03] Nada Copperfield: goooood
[2009/04/15 4:03] karikan Kytori: = =
[2009/04/15 4:04] Jackowacko Juliesse: goooooood
[2009/04/15 4:04] Cloud Clarity: LOL
[2009/04/15 4:04] Cloud Clarity: SERIOUS
[2009/04/15 4:04] Cloud Clarity: WE ARE
[2009/04/15 4:04] Nada Copperfield: goooooooooooood
[2009/04/15 4:04] Nada Copperfield: we are serious
[2009/04/15 4:05] Cloud Clarity: LOL
[2009/04/15 4:06] Nada Copperfield: organizer remembers to take pic
[2009/04/15 4:06] Nada Copperfield: lol
[2009/04/15 4:07] Nada Copperfield: ok
[2009/04/15 4:07] Nada Copperfield: alan
[2009/04/15 4:07] karikan Kytori: yes?
[2009/04/15 4:07] Nada Copperfield: i think you article is nearly perfect
[2009/04/15 4:07] karikan Kytori: don't say that
[2009/04/15 4:07] karikan Kytori: i think emma would not think so
[2009/04/15 4:07] karikan Kytori: = =
[2009/04/15 4:07] Cloud Clarity: reallymmmmmmm
[2009/04/15 4:07] Cloud Clarity: that me seee
[2009/04/15 4:09] Nada Copperfield: yes>
[2009/04/15 4:09] Nada Copperfield: I AM READING
[2009/04/15 4:12] karikan Kytori: what? done?
[2009/04/15 4:12] Nada Copperfield: yes
[2009/04/15 4:12] Nada Copperfield: i finish
[2009/04/15 4:12] Cloud Clarity: rightnow
[2009/04/15 4:12] Cloud Clarity: is a gooooooooood
[2009/04/15 4:12] Cloud Clarity: time
[2009/04/15 4:12] Nada Copperfield: okay
[2009/04/15 4:12] Nada Copperfield: i like yoour third paragraph
[2009/04/15 4:13] Nada Copperfield: and
[2009/04/15 4:14] karikan Kytori: more opinions on my work?
[2009/04/15 4:15] karikan Kytori: who's my organiser?
[2009/04/15 4:16] Nada Copperfield: lol
[2009/04/15 4:16] Cloud Clarity: here
[2009/04/15 4:16] Nada Copperfield: gosh
[2009/04/15 4:16] Cloud Clarity: i am reading ur wordk
[2009/04/15 4:16] Nada Copperfield: i am trying to read and read nad read agiain and agina
[2009/04/15 4:16] karikan Kytori: ok
[2009/04/15 4:16] karikan Kytori: = =
[2009/04/15 4:16] Nada Copperfield: k
[2009/04/15 4:16] karikan Kytori: too serious
[2009/04/15 4:16] Cloud Clarity: i read= ="
[2009/04/15 4:16] Nada Copperfield: well.....
[2009/04/15 4:16] Nada Copperfield: it is goood
[2009/04/15 4:16] Cloud Clarity: jason
[2009/04/15 4:17] Nada Copperfield: maybe
[2009/04/15 4:17] Cloud Clarity: what's ur opinion?
[2009/04/15 4:17] Nada Copperfield: you can put what is the job in the first paragraph
[2009/04/15 4:17] Nada Copperfield: = =
[2009/04/15 4:17] Nada Copperfield: that is all i can think of
[2009/04/15 4:17] Nada Copperfield: sorruy
[2009/04/15 4:17] karikan Kytori: ok
[2009/04/15 4:17] karikan Kytori: make the wheel more clear
[2009/04/15 4:17] Cloud Clarity: i really think its' great
[2009/04/15 4:17] Nada Copperfield: the metioning of the job or somehting
[2009/04/15 4:17] karikan Kytori: right?
[2009/04/15 4:17] Nada Copperfield: yes
[2009/04/15 4:17] Cloud Clarity: if i have other opinion
[2009/04/15 4:17] Cloud Clarity: i wll teel u
[2009/04/15 4:17] karikan Kytori: i'll think of ot
[2009/04/15 4:17] Cloud Clarity: in private
[2009/04/15 4:17] karikan Kytori: it
[2009/04/15 4:17] Cloud Clarity: in msn
[2009/04/15 4:18] karikan Kytori: ok